


Their Monster

by DivineValley



Series: Broken Pieces [5]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Minor Character Death, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 04:51:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13990839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineValley/pseuds/DivineValley
Summary: You’re a monster Blitzen. A true monster





	Their Monster

**Author's Note:**

> I want to thank the lovely and wonderful [batdad](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MizGoat/profile) for once again helping me out with this story!

“The hell is he? How much longer are we going to have to wait for him? I’m itching to make a bet here!”

Smiling to himself, Blitz looks up from shuffling the deck of cards in his hands, “Oh? What are you going to bet with Den? You lost all your extra ration bars to Ellis.”

“Ugh, like I care, not like they’re any good, I think he’s a mutant for actually liking them.”

“Not my fault you can’t appreciate the taste.” Ellis stuck his tongue out as he sent a playful wink at Den seems to conjure a bar out of thin air, taking a large bite out of it.

“C’mon you two settle it down, we can start playing and making our bets once CeeCee gets here...wherever the hell he’s wandered off to this time.” Arch says in his usual authoritative tone to end the bickering before it truly starts.

It was odd, CeeCee was never late for a game of sabacc. He was just as much a gambler as Den. “I’ll go track him down,” Intentionally handing the cards over to Arch, Blitz left the barracks in search of their last member. Kinda strange, the barracks were unusually empty the other members of the squad would have joined them for a game.

Seemed that way outside too like some sort of ghost town but he wasn’t focused on that. His focus was on finding Ceecee and getting their game started. The halls seemed never ending there was always another corner to another twist to take. The only sounds he hears are his boots hitting the metal floor of their base, unaware that the metallic clanging soon turned into the crunching of dead grass and dirt beneath him.

“CeeCee!” Smiling he found his brother standing behind a large boulder leaning in full armor against it casually as if taking a break. “We’ve been looking all over for you, what are you doing?”

“Oh, hey Blitzy! Just remembering is all, a lot on my mind I guess...hey Blitzy you have any water? I’m dying of thirst here.”

Suddenly he feels the weight of a canteen on his waist. Was that there before? Doesn’t matter it’s there now and so he unclips it from his side to hand to him.

“What were you remembering?” Offering up the water, his arm was halfway there when CeeCee starts to remove his helmet.

“Oh...just the day I died. You remember don’t you?” A shot rings out through the air and the right side of CeeCee’s head explodes, blood splatters onto Blitzen’s face, blood and flesh staining his helmet that he hadn’t been wearing a second ago.

CeeCee’s body doesn’t crumble to the floor, he remains standing as though nothing has happened. The right side of his head is gone, Blitzen can see bone and brain. Blood flowing out of the gaping wound and Blitzen just stands in horror he can’t move he can’t breathe and bile starts to rise in his throat when CeeCee smiles wide at him. He looks like a demon, his pearly white teeth contrasting with the reds of his blood and insides.

“Do you remember the day I died? Do you remember killing me?”

Bolting he had to run he had to get away. He couldn’t even look back or else he wouldn’t be able to move again. Blitz runs as the world blurs around him, blindly running until his body crashes against another.

“Woah, shit. What’s with you? You look like you’re running from a ghost.”

“Denny!” Gripping onto his arms, Blitzen is desperate for air trying to gulp down as much of it as he can but his lungs are still crying out in distress. “Den, Den I-I just saw...CeeCee! CeeCee his head, he’s dead! He’s...he's dead!.”

How could CeeCee be gone? He was their bright spot, their laughter, their baby brother and all because he was giving him some water, he should have known better, he should have told him to keep it on!

“Yeah...he is. That happened some time ago didn’t it? Brains blown right out.” Den didn’t sound right he sounds detached, cold. “Remember how much Ellis cried? Hysterical crying for days and days...they were so close. Archie, he became just a little colder, didn’t he? And you...you just couldn’t really accept that you couldn’t save him.”

“So...Blitzen tell me, how did you all react?” His chin is tipped upward so their eyes meet, Blitz gasps as blood starts to drip from Den’s mouth. “How did they all react after you killed me?” He whispers into his ear and the medic was now hovering over him, several blaster wounds in his gut.

“N-no. Nonono!” He tries to put pressure on his stomach Blitz’s hands wouldn’t stop shaking he could hear the droids they were coming closer and closer, Arch’s shouts for him to retreat, there was nothing they could do for Den. Even if they get him out of the line of fire he’s just going to bleed out. There was nothing he can do. There was nothing he can do!

“Liar...there is something. You know there’s something you can do.” Den is smiling now, a deranged smile that almost mirrors CeeCee’s from before. “Will you leave me here to bleed out? Will you leave me here for the droids? No, you’re not going to do that, I know exactly what you’re going to do.”

He doesn’t understand, he refuses to as his arm starts to move on its own against his will, the barrel of his gun pressed against Den’s temple.

No, no, no, no. He didn’t want to do this, he didn’t want to do this.

“What are your choices here Blitzen? You either run away leaving me behind, listen to my screams of agony as the seppies get me. Or you kill me yourself.”

“I-it’s mercy, it’s mercy...I-I didn’t, I don’t want you to be in pain!”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night. Did I ask for your mercy Blitzen? Or did I scream at you to leave me? Did I beg you not to do it? Do you remember properly? Those last words? What were they?” Den asks and it makes Blitz feel cold.

No, no he couldn’t remember, so much was happening. They’re getting closer and closer, Arch is still screaming, there’s so much screaming. He wanted to argue, tell him this wasn’t murder, it was the last thing he ever wanted for his brother, for any of his brothers when his finger pulls down on the trigger and he screams.

He’s falling now, falling into darkness. The ground has swallowed him whole and he lands on something cold and hard. Metal, a metal table, a medical table. Struggling to get up Blitzen is tied down, he can’t move, he can’t feel his legs, his entire body is numb right now. Bright lights switch on blinding him for a few seconds as a spotlight shining down, dots swim in his vision until someone stands over him blocking it out.

“Hello...brother.” A hand is in his hair, painfully tugging it lifting his head up and he is face to face with another clone he doesn’t recognize at all. “Don’t remember me? That’s hurtful and a bit insulting...but I guess killers tend to forget their victim’s faces over time.”

His heart leaps into his throat, Blitz tries to shake him off, “I-I’m not, I’m not a killer!”

The clone is laughs, a bitter sound. Blitzen’s head slams back onto the table, and their faces are inches apart now. “Really?...You went to some pretty great lengths to cover up my death. A suicide, an overdose, ring any bells?”

“Bitters…” The name comes out as a horrified whisper, Bitters lets out another laugh his fingers dig into Blitz’s scalp.

“Aw glad you remember me now doc...you’re a murderer. How much blood is on your hands Blitzen? How many people have you killed? How many brothers have suffered because of you? You deemed me a threat, you murdered me and you posed my death as a suicide. All because you wanted to protect that tiny station and those reject broken osiks!”

A pair of hands reach out from the darkness and CeeCee is there, looks the same as he did when he had died. The demonic smile stretches across his destroyed face as a frozen hand grabs his cheeks roughly. “You were my big brother...you promised to protect me. You promised to keep me safe. Back when we were cadets, you promised. Didn’t you know better?! Why didn’t you tell me to keep my helmet on?! You’re supposed to know better!”

On the other side of him, Den appears now, a bullet hole in his left temple with a stream of blood flowing from it. “You said you had my back...but you didn’t. You didn’t do a damn thing to try and save me! You killed me, you killed me, you put your gun to my head and you can’t even remember my final words!”

“You left us.” A new voice joins, Blitz can now see Ellis and Arch as they lean over the table, both their faces blank holding no emotion at all. “Do you know if we’re alive?” Ellis asks softly.

“Do you know if we’re dead? You’re too scared to find out, too much a coward. You could have come back...to the 501st, you could have come back...but you didn’t…” Arch’s deep voice rumbles there’s disgust in his eyes.

“You’re a coward.”

“A liar.”

“A murderer.”

“A thief...tell us whose legs are on your body?”

He can no longer tell the voices apart as he’s forced to look down at his body, his legs, no, not his legs, someone else’s legs are sewn onto him, the black stitches oozes with blood. He doesn’t want to look, he doesn’t want to see them!

“Whose legs did you take? You don’t even know, they could be from two different men! Two more lives gone because of you. A brother killer. You’re a monster Blitzen. A true monster.”

 

**COWARD**

No…

**LIAR**

Stop, please!

**MURDERER**

Stop it!

**MONSTER**

**MONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTER**

An animalistic scream filled the medbay Blitz is torn from the nightmare, he can’t breathe, he can’t see. Getting one foot down onto the floor and his body the rest of the way... He can’t move, he can’t move them. The legs, these cursed legs. He doesn’t want them, he doesn’t want them anymore! He doesn’t want any of this!

Dragging himself from his bedroom into the medbay his eyes looked around wildly for something, anything, he needed to get rid of them, he needed them off. Managing to get to a cabinet he tears the bottom drawer out completely flinging it sideways as everything inside spilled out. He searched frantically till he’s nicked his fingers against something.

A scalpel.

_I need this._

Getting a proper hold of it his hand formed a fist.

_You’re disgusting._

Raising his hand into the air there’s no hesitation as he brought it down. There is no feeling when the blade stabs through his skin into his leg.

_Again, again, again until it’s off!_

Over and over and over he plunged it into his leg unaware that he is screaming.

_I don’t want them, I don’t want them,_ **_I DON’T WANT THEM!_ **

He is about to bring the scalpel down again when he wrist is grabbed roughly and the knife clattered to the floor. Blitz screamed out trying to fight off whoever was stopping him, thrashing he tried to use his other hand to push them away but his free wrist was pinned down.

“Blitz!”

Ignoring the call of his name, Blitz tried again to break free, why couldn’t they just let go?! Why couldn’t they leave him be?! Forcing himself to back away his eyes catch sight of something. Blood, but not his blood no, no this is blood from the other person...Had...had he cut them? Did he hurt them? Slowly ever so slowly his mind is beginning to come back.

“Sten…” Voice cracking he is able to see who had stopped him, Sten, of course, it had been Sten who else would it be. He stabbed Sten with his knife, just...just like...Bitters had. How could he have...done that? “St-Sten I...I’m…” Raising his hands he wanted to examine Sten’s injured arm, he’d have to clean the wound see how deep it was. Were stitches required?

“Blitz....Blitzen...come back to me.” The words sound so far away and he doesn’t quite understand them until Sten had repeated them. Looking into his eyes Blitz’s eyes are burning and he can no longer control his emotions, sobbing loudly he wrapped his arms around the other as tightly as he could. His entire body is trembling from his crying...he might possibly be going into shock from blood loss too but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

His mind seemed to black out for a bit because the next time he is able to take in his surroundings Blitz is back in bed, his mutilated leg wrapped and Sten is laying beside him wide awake and clearly concerned. He doesn’t know what to say, he couldn’t find the right words to begin this conversation he never wanted to have. The universe granted him so kind of mercy when Sten opened his mouth first.

“This is about your legs...isn’t it?”

How did he-

“Your file, Kamino sent it when you first arrived...never brought it up, wasn’t my place to force the subject...maybe I should of...if I had maybe this would have never happened.”

“No,” His voice was terrible, hoarse as hell his throat was aching too, how much had he screamed? Did anyone else come to investigate but Sten sent them away? “This, this was going to happen eventually. I was beginning to crack. Little by little it was happening but...I ignored it.”

They stared at one another, just staring. Shame is churning in his stomach, shame of being found like this, shame of hurting Sten, for ending up in such a state. He was supposed to be a medic, the one that healed others and yet...he was like this.

“I know...I know how that is....” Blitz wanted to snap at him for a brief second. How could he possibly know what this was like? This hell, how could anyone know? Though his thoughts were thrown right back in his face when Sten removes his shirt. Blitz had never seen the other without it he always kept it on during examinations and only allowed the medic to give him injections in his neck or right arm.

Sten’s left arm is covered in scars. They litter over his skin marks of various size and depth, at a glance one might assume they had been caused by an explosion of some sort. Armor would prevent such damage.

To a trained medical eye it was clear what caused them, self-inflicted knife wounds. His gaze now focused on the largest of the scars and he couldn’t help but inhale sharply. This one was a medical scar left behind from surgery, a surgery Blitz had been forced to undergo himself.

“This…” Sten’s voice shattering the silence around them, “This is the arm of the man I loved more than anything. I woke up and his arm was on my body and I tried to take it off myself. I didn’t want it, I didn’t ask for it and yet here it is…”

The man he had loved.

“Joy?” Whispering the word it felt like the pieces were coming together now. The tattoo on his right arm, the words painted on his helmet, even that bloody song he was always humming to himself.

“Y-yeah...Joy. He was everything to me and in the end, he gave me everything he had left.” Sten was struggling now, he could tell this was beyond difficult for him. But Sten was strong, so strong, stronger than most of the vod Blitz had met in his life.

“Blitzen I can’t begin to understand the pain you must feel every day because of your legs and I’m sure there’s more to it than just that...but-but I need you to know how much you fucking mean to me.” Sten is choking back his own sobs now and Blitz is suddenly pulled into a warm hug, Sten’s arms wrapping him in a warm embrace. “You’re my best friend. You’re my brother, you’re my brother and I love you so fucking much Bli’ika. I don’t know what I’d do without you now.”

It hurt...it hurt so much.

Sten wouldn’t feel that way if he knew Blitz was a monster.

“Stop it.” Sten snapped, it sounded almost like an order and Blitz is looking at him once again. “I know that look, it’s the same look I get when I’m overthinking shit. Just listen to me, please...I’m here for you, okay? I will always be here for you, you’re always there for me so let me for once, let me be there for you! You’re allowed to hurt too!”

“I’m...I’m a medic it’s my job to…”

“Burn yourself out and ignore your feelings?! You’re not a Jedi! We take care of each other that’s what we clones do...so let us take care of you. Understand?”

Stop. Stop. Stop!!!

Pulling himself away from the touch Blitz was sure he was going to become sick. Pressing his hands to his eyes he couldn’t deal with this, he couldn’t keep the lie inside any longer. “I killed him…” He whispered he wondered for a second if Sten had even heard him. “I killed Bitters.” Saying those words finally made it so real.

He killed Bitters.

Not out of mercy, not by mistake or freak accident.

He murdered him in cold blood.

“He was going to tell! He stabbed you, he stabbed you and attacked Marks, he threatened to hurt Mouse and Howler and once the GAR would become involved in the investigation he was going to tell what you’ve been doing here!” Dropping his hands to his lap he looked at Sten who seemed to be in shock, there was no reaction on his face just looked...stricken.

“He was going to tell! He was irrational, crazy! He didn’t care we were vode! He was going to destroy everything you’ve been doing! Have everyone we care about killed! You, the others who you’ve been caring for, Steady, Tadhg, he would tell it all and not give a damn that he was killing you all so I killed him first!” He could hardly see through his tears his throat was tight he was choking on every breath.

“I...I didn’t want to. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to! Why was he like that? Why couldn’t he see you were trying to care for him too? You were so kind to him and yet he...he stabbed you. He wanted to ruin you. I couldn’t let him do that.”

How could he just stand there and do nothing?! He had tried desperately to reason with Bitters, begging him to think about his actions, what would he gain by turning them all in? Did he think he’d be safe? Regarded as some hero for revealing that some tiny station in the middle of nowhere was trying to save their hurt brothers from mindless execution?!

“I killed him before he could kill you...b-because I can’t...I can’t lose anymore! I’m so sick of losing! They’ve taken everything!” Blitz doesn’t know who _they_ are. The Separatists? The Kaminoans? The Republic? He had no fucking idea he was just sick of losing people he loved. “I can’t lose you too! You, Mouse, Hawke, Howl, and Vic...Shep, Marks, even Brig! I can’t lose another brother! I can’t...I can’t fail again!”

CeeCee’s smiling face, he can see it so clearly in his mind. He and Ellis wrestling one another in the barracks, Den joining in tackling them both so easily, Arch standing a few feet away working on reports a gentle smile gracing his lips because all he truly cared about was the safety of his brothers.

Blitz can see them all perfectly.

He can also see...how Ellis cradled CeeCee’s corpse, not caring how the gore-stained his armor, how he rocked him in his arms begging him to wake up. Blitz can hear Den’s guttural scream, the anguish in it, the anger...and how still Arch was, how he simply stood there rooted in place unmoving, unbelieving of what they all had just lost.

Not only them but all the others he had failed, the brothers he couldn’t reach in time, the brothers who died in agony because there was nothing he could do, the ones that were left behind, he could see them all.

How could he allow that to all happen again after finding another family he loved and cherished more than his miserable life?

He expected Sten to start screaming at him, be disgusted, maybe even demand he leave, when the other pulled him close holding him like he was made of glass.

“It’s okay…” Tensing up Blitz isn’t sure if he heard that right, he can feel Sten pressing his face against his shoulder letting out a weak cry. “It’s okay, I’m right here. I’m not leaving you.”

How? How could he...why would he?

The burning in his eyes worsened and all Blitz could do was hug back.

He was a monster. There was no denying that.

**But he’d be their monster.**


End file.
